Who’s the hero?

Casey Heynes Story   Recently this story has gone viral.  Two young men from Australia Casey Heynes
and Ritchard Gale, had a conflict that was resolved in an aggressive confrontation.  The facts are still unclear leading up to the incident but the action that Casey took without a doubt was potentially a very dangerous reaction to what he alleges was in response to blatant and constant bullying by his peer.

 
 

After Ritchard took a couple of pokes at Casey,  who outweighs him by at least fifty pounds,  Casey decided to react to this provocation by picking Ritchard up and body slamming  him onto the pavement and walking away.  Ritchard is seen getting up obviously shaken  by the contact with the sidewalk and the curbing.  He limps off camera and we as viewers come to our own conclusions as to the extent of his injuries.

 
 

I feel a great deal of empathy for Casey.  I understand how consistently and unrelentingly being picked on could generate sufficient anger to body slam someone.  He struck back at his oppressor at risk of permanently hurting or even fatally wounding his attacker.  Public sentiment over Facebook drew the attention of over 172,000 hits within a couple of day of the incident and seemed to support and portray Casey as a hero.

  
 

This writer though empathetic doesn't consider Casey's violent outburst as anything but an uncontrolled reaction that could have had a deadly impact.  I am disappointed at the encouragement Casey received from the public.  What are we teaching our children?  That it is okay to strike back?  That we can take justice into our own hands as vigilantes and retaliate against the aggressor?  It is against the law and at a stretch could possibly be considered self-defense.  The law encourages us to walk away before taking action.  It is when we have no other choice that we can take aggressive steps to protect ourselves balanced with a degree of restraint.  We wonder why we have  issues with violence in our society when we are willing to support such deplorable actions.

 
 

I have compassion for those who think his action was heroic.  As a society we constantly feel like we take pokes from our oppressors who could take form as bosses, spouses, having to do things we don't want to do and even paying taxes.  We think we are underdogs and when we see someone stand up to the oppressor we applaud their actions as we live vicariously through their deeds. Catch my newsletter Cup of Joe for articles and scheduled events.

Part IV – Y.U.B.B.I.E. for adults – Be Aware

Normally during the course of a presentation I talk to students about being aware of a couple of facts if they are bullies. I explain to them that when everyone in the audience was born there were no bullies in the crib – none, zero, zip, nada, nema. So we know that something happened between the time they are born and the time that they arrived for their first day in school that causes them to act that way. Of course there are exceptions; we must also account for those who were born with physiological or psychological issues which research tells us are more the exception than the rule.

Bullying can be a learned behavior resulting from a dysfunctional home environment. Bullying can also be attributed to a child's desire for control over their environment, creating a false sense of confidence by testing their power over others. So there are a number of reasons why a child become a bully and most are the result of what happens in their home.

I try to convince students that they have to feel compassion towards the bully – like any of us they are just human being with their strengths and their weaknesses. I speak too of the fact that bullying is a weakness and an issue that has to be addressed and resolved early in life. Encouraging students to report incidents of bullying can be justified as an attempt to get the bully the necessary help to adjust their behavior while they are young.

We as a society constantly pay the price for not correcting behavioral issues when children are young. We financially support correctional facilities that house those who are the byproducts of unhealthy childhoods. We pay for it in the workplace by absenteeism, productivity and employee turnover when bullies appear as peers, supervisors and bosses who have little sensitivity towards others with demanding and unacceptable behavioral issues. We hear of countless cases of domestic violence that are not limited to spouses but extend to the elderly and other types of relationships. Bullying is a part of our culture. The desire to control - have power over others can the foundation for unacceptable aggressive behavior.

So being aware
starts at home. Parents have to be aware that many times aggressive behavior in a child is a result of what they are exposed to in the home. These are a couple of reasons of what can happen in a home that produces unacceptable behavior in a child:

1. Permissive aggressiveness in the home (when parents have aggressive exchanges or arguments or let their children indulge in aggressive exchanges with siblings.)
   
2. Inappropriate discipline – spanking especially when angered; beating a child.
   
3. Unhealthy relationship with the primary care giver – when the caregiver doesn't pay any attention to the child or as mentioned above when it is inappropriate.
   

 

Permissive aggressiveness in the home: Children from the time they lay in the crib are like sponges; they absorb everything they see, hear and feel. Parents are their children's first teachers - that is why parental role-modeling is so important to the healthy nurturing of a child. How parents handle conflict is the first education a child receives on resolving problems. In a house where there is yelling, screaming or even hitting between parents, siblings or between parent and siblings - a child is taught that it is normal to react in an aggressive manner when they are angry or trying to resolve conflict. In a house where there is constant arguing a child believes that it is an acceptable way to resolve disagreements. What they are taught they will emulate.

 

Educators and administrators are not surprised why a student has behavioral issues once they meet "the parents" and discover the real root of the problem. Parents who are aggressive and confrontational in their office demonstrate the type of role-modeling that explains why their children are antagonistic and belligerent.On the subject of spanking: Children's doctors and psychologists in this country have studied the subject of physical punishment or spanking. They have looked at families who don't use it at all. They found the following negative side-effects of using spanking:

 

• In the long run, spanking doesn't really work. Spanking may stop bad behavior when it is happening, but it doesn't prevent bad behavior when the parent isn't around. Using time-outs and consequences are better choices for helping children to control their behavior.
  
• Spanking hurts self-esteem. Children who are spanked a lot often start thinking that something must be wrong or "bad" about them. They also begin to think that their parents do not like them very much. These kinds of thoughts damage self-esteem.
  
• Imitation: Children who are spanked a lot may learn that when you are angry, it's okay to hit someone. This is especially true if parents spank when they are angry. Children may learn to vent their anger by hitting other children or pets, or by bullying others with threats.
  
• Fear: Children become afraid of people who use physical punishment, especially when the punishment is harsh or frequent. Parents who spank a lot may notice that their children are nervous and fearful around them. Children who are spanked a lot may be less likely to come to parents for help with their problems. Because they are afraid or they become withdrawn.
  

As a result, in a recent report, they strongly recommended that parents learn to use positive discipline techniques instead of spanking.

 

Unhealthy relationship with the primary caregiver: Parents who are loving and spend time with their children develop a deep and long lasting relationship. A child who is neglected or ostracized from a parent's bond will most likely develop issues early on in life. Parents also teach empathy and when a child is denied guidance or is not nurtured to learn empathy in their youth they can demonstrate sociopathic tendencies and become bullies. The human exchange of positive loving emotions and empathy gives a child the tools to care and understand the emotional reactions of others they meet. When there is no bond between a parent and child the result is normally a lack of caring for the emotions of others.

 

Children who have issues with impulse control, managing anger, lack empathy and have a challenge dealing with conflict need outside help. If these issues are not resolved early in childhood parents risk the chance that their child ends up being a bully as an adult where they may have difficulties dealing with authority, relationships and have a tendency to be drawn into substance.